She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
