i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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