I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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