Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
