It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
