If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
