You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
