I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
