Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
