and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Everclear isn't food dammit
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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