why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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