im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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