terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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