Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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