i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Randomize
