Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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