Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
