I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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