Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize