i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
