batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize