so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
