You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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