dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
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