The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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