My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize