It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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