but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
