Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
that may or may not have been my penis.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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