i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize