all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
