I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
