i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
