Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
