I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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