proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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