I want to make a zoo with you.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
