I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize