Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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