Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
