just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
