I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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