I want to have your abortion
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
