if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
