I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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