i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
im six kinds of drunk right now
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
