can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
