Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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