Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
