I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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