Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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