The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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