You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
