Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
