My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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