you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
