That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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