In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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