He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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